What is the IRT method?

What does "Between and Within" mean?

Most relationship help focuses on one side. IRT holds both.

Between is the relationship itself: the attachment patterns, the communication cycle, and the pursue-withdraw dynamic two people can get caught in.

Within is what each person brings in: subconscious emotional wounds, protective patterns formed early in life, and beliefs that can be passed down through families. These are often what set the cycle off, faster than conscious thought.

The idea is that lasting change tends to need healing on both levels. Working only on the cycle can leave the old wounds firing underneath it, and working only on the wounds can leave the couple's pattern untouched.

How is it different from typical couples advice?

Think of the surface arguments about money, chores or tone of voice as the tip of an iceberg. The stronger drivers sit below the waterline, in old subconscious wounds and beliefs.

Much communication advice rearranges the furniture, which is a first-order change. It can help, but patching cracks in the wall doesn't do much if the foundation is the problem. Second-order change is more like remodeling the foundation, and that happens at the subconscious level, not only at the level of knowing what to say.

That's why you can know exactly the right thing to say and still react the same way in the moment. The pattern fires before conscious thought catches up. IRT works on that deeper level, alongside practical skills. If this sounds like your situation, our post on why communication advice doesn't work for some couples goes into it further.

What is IRT based on?

IRT combines attachment-based relationship work with subconscious emotional-resolution work. The attachment side draws on attachment theory and nervous system co-regulation, which is how people's emotional states affect each other in close relationships. The subconscious side is the part Alissa specializes in.

One idea we return to often is that a relationship works like a system, a bit like two dancers doing a routine. When one person changes their steps, the pattern often can't continue exactly as it was, even without the partner's active participation. Our post on what one partner can change alone explains this.

Who created the IRT method?

Dr. Carol Conrad is a licensed psychologist with nearly 30 years of experience and a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist and Supervisor. She brings the Between side: the cycle two people get stuck in, and how to build emotional security between them.

Alissa Wakefield is a relationship and trauma-informed subconscious healing coach. She brings the Within side: releasing the subconscious emotional blocks that interfere with connection, regulation and relational safety.

Together they bridge traditional psychology with deeper subconscious work.

Who is IRT for?

Couples who feel stuck in repeating patterns, want to strengthen their relationship, and are open to growth both between partners and within themselves. It tends to work best when both partners are involved, but change can begin with just one person. Our post on why couples keep having the same fight is a good place to see whether the pattern sounds familiar.

Who is IRT not for?

Healing Together is education and coaching. It is not psychotherapy, not a substitute for therapy, and not appropriate for relationships in crisis or where there is domestic violence, active addiction, or an active affair. Those situations need dedicated professional support first. If mental health therapy is what's needed, we encourage finding a therapist to support that.

How do I learn the IRT method?

The IRT method is taught through the 8 Relationship Mastery Sessions, with optional live weekly sessions and private support. Many people begin with the free masterclass or the $99 Connection Breakthrough Experience on the Start Today page. There's also an in-person couples retreat in Nauvoo, Illinois. For common questions, see the FAQ.